this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
