I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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