Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
