my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
pop tarts are not kleenex
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
