Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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