I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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