I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
