Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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