Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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