Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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