I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
