This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
