who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
