i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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