omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
