Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
