she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize