someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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