first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
