i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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