and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
