you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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