you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Hippo gnu deer
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
