Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
