my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish i was in the wii world.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
