sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
