I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
