We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
