4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
