just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
