i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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