There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Randomize
