oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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