He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sober January is a disaster.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
