i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
