Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
