you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
