For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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