Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
