I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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