so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
