I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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