the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
