I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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