Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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