All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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