Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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