You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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