I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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