I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize