No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
