I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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