this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
