it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
