How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
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