so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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