you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
