I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
