I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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