i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
