I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
