The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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